The Scale On Comedians In Prison

The Scale: This far-too-general and entirely vague scale is divided into five categories of successful prison acclimation, and is based on factors such as how likely one would be to fall victim to violence, extortion, theft, or sexual advances, and how they would in turn deal with these impositions, as well as their ability to blend in and successfully conform to prison culture while remaining safe, healthy, and even productive. These score are not set in stone, and many of these comedians would learn to adapt, overcome, and climb the scale. Except Woody Allen. He'd dig a tunnel straight to Protective Custody if he had to.

Category 1: Protective Custody (score 1-2)

The comedians in the lowest category would undoubtedly experience extortion, theft, violence, or unwanted sexual advances and would be unable or unwilling to deal with such intrusions in a safe and or successful manner.

The comedians scoring in this category would likely tap out and quickly scramble for the relative safety of PC (Protective Custody). To the uninitiated this may seem like an obvious and intelligent choice. But life in PC can be terrible. Other than being unforgivable as far as your prison reputation goes, it is also very very restrictive. Ran as maximum security facility, once in PC you'd share a cell with your bunky for up to 22 hours a day, and only get to leave your cell for two brief yards a day. There are limited opportunities as far as classes, freedom of movement, sports, recreation, camaraderie, and general respect.

With that being said, PC is often the safest place for some people. Sometimes the institution even forces (or attempts to) inmates in PC for their own safety. At any point they could decide to leave the stifling yet protective oasis of PC and return to General Population. The irony is that if these comedians were just willing to standup and fight, even if they took a few lumps, they would Ewen enough respect to walk the yard and enjoy the limited pleasures of prison life. 

Category 2: Soft targets (score 3-4)

Comedians in this category would likely be threatened, at some point in their incarceration (likely repeatedly), with extortion, theft, or violence--though probably not sexual assault. Accepting their station in prison life, the comedians in this category would likely just pay the extortion or chalk up on the stolen property as an acceptable loss, rather than risk the violent retaliation or tapping out and going to PC.

Again, it might not sound so bad. But in prison, optics are very important. Comedians who choose to "pay to stay" would be viewed as marks or lames but would otherwise survive relatively in unmolested. Plus their investment in self security would bring with it the incentive of having a benefactor who would ten have to protect their interests. Comedians who were stolen from with no repercussions would most likely be unable to have the property necessary to live a comfortable life in prison.

Category 3: Run Of The Mill-ers (score 5-6)

This is the category with the most wiggle room as far as predicting what would happen to these comedians. For the most part this is the category where your average inmate would fall. Comedians in this category could /possibly/ be seen as targets for extortion an theft, but if approached would most likely refuse to pay. Which would either result in them being briefly left alone or being forced to fight. As long as they stood their ground, and survived the fight, they would generally be left alone to do the rest of their unassuming bid. Unless they weren't. Once established that these comedians are not completely soft targets, their life in prison wouldn't be too bad at all. They would be free to do most of what they wanted, provided their desires didn't intersect with those of the more alpha inmates. They wouldn't have first dibs on the handball courts, but they'd be able to play.

Category 4: Tough Guys, Assholes, and Wildcards (score 7-8)

The one thing the comedians in this category have in common is that it's unlikely they would be seen as targets for victimization, whether it's due to their appearance, or their gritty, give-a-fuck-less, attitude. They'd have their circle of friends but be able to deal with many different groups. They'd find their vices or favorite ways to kill time. Cards, gambling, sports, or gang banging.

Certain comedians in this category--mostly the 7's--would likely find themselves in repeated altercations, due to their demeanors or habits, with inmates as well as COs, some of which would undoubtedly turn violent. Simply not being a victim in prison is not the same as success. Often, the inmates doing the hardest time are the ones who find their own trouble. Not knowing when to shut up, when to mind your business, when to say no, when to look the other way....are all easy paths to find trouble in prison.

Many of the comedians in this category would be approached by prison gangs for recruitment. More of 7s would join. And more of the 8s would have the wherewith-all to respectfully decline.

The 8s would, for the most part, make a decent go of prison life. They'd have to learn a few lessons the hard way; like how to avoid asshole COs, how to react in certain precarious situations, how to tale a punch and give a punch, but would eventually figure shit out and settle in to a reasonably safe and comfortable life in prison--relatively speaking of course.

Category 5: Idols & Stoics (score 9-10)

These comedians would be fine. They would have physical attributes that would prevent them from being classified as potential victims; they would have the demeanor and respectful but firm attitude to maneuver around the avoidable bullshit; and they would have the intuition, confidence, and discipline to do their own thing, remain productive, and stand on their own two feet, commanding respect and returning it to those who deserve it. 

The Idols are able to move freely, should they choose, between groups, but most Idols choose to do their own thing while still maintaining relationships with other inmates and organizations

Idols are focused on turning the seemingly hard time of life behind bars into something positive and productive. And Idols prove that honesty, discipline, and respect are qualities universally admired.

Holy shit, get a fucking room already!

There is a real animalistic sense to life in prison. Most of what determines how you are treated by your fellow inmates is, first and foremost, physical appearance; confidence and attitude is second; then, the opinion of other's (group think); and somewhere, way down the list, is kindness and a gentle nature. That's not to say there aren't more enlightened inmates who are able to see and appreciate the subtle but more important things. They're just the exception rather than the rule. There is so much insecurity in here that most inmates are quick to take part in shitting on another inmate just so long as the shit is not pointed at him.

And most of the so called "predators" are just cowards who will only do what they can get away with. 90+% of them would either back down or never step up if they thought they'd meet any resistance. Most are just good at bluffing. They're fucking pussies.