Comedians In Prison

Comedians In Prison; How your favorite standup comics would fare in the world of prison. * Rankings below these important comments.*

This list and subsequent scale, though profoundly important and unquestionably accurate, is nothing more than the ramblings of an incarcerated comedy fan with nothing much else to do.

What follows are my best guesses, and broad generalizations, of how the best standup comedians, from every era, and every genre, would fare should they ever find themselves in the Michigan Department Of Corrections...had they never been rich or famous. For the most part, these predictions were made without ever knowing these comics, based on nothing but their standup sets, interviews, podcasts, and my general vibe.

Undoubtedly, some of you will be outraged by the stand-ups I failed to include. I tried to include strictly stand-ups comedians. I'm sure the purists will find I failed. And though some on the list will be more well know for other accomplishments, such as Judd Apatow for film making, most of these comedians have at least dabbled in standup at some point in their careers. There will also be stand-ups that I failed to include for no other reason than, being in prison makes it hard to keep up with the cutting edge of stand up comedy. And if I'm not familiar with a comedian's work and personality, I can't really make predictions about how they'd fare in here.

Hold on for a second while I insert foot into mouth.

I also have to say that I LOVE females comedians! They are literally my favorite people in the world. Anyone who follows me on twitter knows this. The problem is, I know next to nothing about female prison culture, so I couldn't speak on how they'd do on the inside. That being said, there are a few I simply could not fail to mention, (Nike on tongue) but their scores should be taken even less seriously (if at all possible) than the male comedians on the list. I simply have no credibility in this area.

Send hate mail to me at Notes From The Pen.

I will also have butchered the spelling of many of these comedians names. I'm sorry for my short comings. I won't however, wait for you to apologize for yours. There's work to be done; extensive, labor intensive, meaningless, work to be done. So let's begin.

So, without further adieu, here is the ever-evolving list of comedians and their 1-10 hypothetical projected survive/thrive-ability status while incarcerated.

All names in alphabetical order by first name.

Adam Carolla: 7/10 Grizzled, worked with hands, boxed, grew up poor; all beneficial. Overly opinionated & irritable; would undoubtedly have to fight on occasion. He would. He'd survive but leave prison, jaded, angry, ultimately worse off.

Adam Sandler: 9/10 If I had only seen his comedies I would’ve scored him lower. But there is a depth, even darkness, under the surface. All convicts can relate. He's charismatic, magnetic, & knows what he wants. He would use this time to create and evolve freely.

Amy Schumer ?/? I could see Schumer fitting right in, too in, like hilariously fast...I smell a blockbuster! I'm reading Syd Field's book on screenwriting. Gotta go. This hacky screenplay isn't gonna write itself.

Andrew Dice Clay: 2/10 At 1st glance his overly tough persona would give pause to predators. However, it would ultimately lead to altercations with REAL tough guys, real KILLERS. Eventually he'd find himself with no choice but to head to PC.

Andrew Santino: 7/10 Red head. Quick wit. Relatively young. Confident. He'd find his crew. I feel like red heads fight more than usual, so he'd probably get into a few altercations but generally would be alright with a few, some new stories & a few scars.

Andy Andrist: 10/10 You've heard of Pryor, Hicks, CK...all of them are just shit on the comedy boot heal of the Greater Of All Time: Andy Andrist. Seriously, you don't know the meaning of laughter until you've been to an Andy Andrist show. Any REAL comedy fan already knows this. It is alleged that during his illustrious career he is personally responsible for 3 laughter-induced strokes, 2 comas, and 1 confirmed kill. They say they were old and infirm, maybe mentally handicapped, but still...Those of you who've been lucky enough to get tickets to a live show know that you have to sign a waiver to sit in the first ten rows. This is the only comic in the Comedians In Prison list with a score and summary longer than 280 characters. And it is for good reason. Alive or dead, he is simply the GREATEST COMEDIAN OF ALL TIME....and if you don't know who he is, go KILL YOURSELF you piece of SHIT!!!...Sorry, I got a little carried away. I just get passionate when I talk about Andy Andrist's comedy. Do yourself a favor and check out a master at work https://iwapodcast.wixsite.com/issueswithandy …or get lost.

Andy Kaufman: 6/10 The inter-gender wrestling champion of the world might stir shit up just out of boredom or the ultimate performance art. Who knows. Prison might kill all that shit. I know nothing. Meaningless speculation. I'm an idiot.

Anthony Jeselnik: 2/10 Hitler's wet dream might have trouble. Affluence with no hardened edge makes a large target. If only the words behind, "sticks & stones" were true. It might take a few lumps, but I think AJ would go to PC to safely roast fellow inmates

Ari Shaffir: 7/10 Just feel like Ari would adapt quickly. He's got good intuition and he's not afraid to buck the system and break a few rules. Ari has and edginess that would translate well in here.

Artie Lange: 8/10 If it wasn't for history of addiction/appetites he'd be a 9/10. Large, Formidable. Comfortable taking shit. Magnetic. Relatable. Would be loud funny and fun to be around. A good bad influence. Drunk, we'd end up in the hole together. Worth it.

Aziz Ansari: 7/10 Small enough that he'd fall into the anybody-pressing-him-is-an-asshole category. Knows enough about hip-hop culture to fit in. Would make tons of friends and really have a relatively easy life in here.

Bert Kreischer: 5/10 This was a hard one. I think he'd start lower but with his personality AND his absurd penchant for somehow befriending dangerous people (Russian Machine story) I think he'd eventually be rendered untouchable based on affiliation. Mascot.

Bill Burr: 7/10 Not physically imposing but a redhead. Boston comic. Large Irish family. Felt a few knuckles, landed a few. Unafraid to speak up. Married-in black. Can read the room and act accordingly. Great at breaking balls; a prison past time

Bill Hicks: 5/10 Brooding. Contemplative thinker. Rebellious. Would be an inmate who clashed with administration more than fellow inmates. Filing grievances and lawsuits. This lifestyle is all-encompassing. Not much time for anything else.

Bill Maher: 2/10 Just completely out of his element. It's one thing to be liberal and "fight" for the lowers classes and convicts from a gated community. It's quite another to live with us and still express the same amount of compassion. PC would be best.

Bill Cosby: 2/10 Inmates with sexual cases, especially rape, are 3rd class citizens. But just as importantly, he would hate it here. Unable to cope. Miserable. Telling everyone to pull their pants up & stop using ebonics. Guaranteed he's in PC as we speak.

Billy Eichner: 9/10 I know I said gay men have to deal with a lot of immature bullshit in here, but Billy is a German gay. He has a confident fearlessness that I think would translate well. Absolute refusal to be a victim. Thick-skinned. King of the queens.

Bobby Lee 5/10 My Korean brother. Being any type of ethnicity helps—even Asianl, and specifically when we're mistaken for Mexican. Bobby is so absurd, self deprecating for the sake of a laugh, & physically nonthreatening that he'd be adopted & loved. Mascot.

Bobby Myamoto: 5/10 My half Asian brother. Ambiguously ethnic. Could pass himself off as a fraudulent Latino. I don't really stand by his score I just wanted him to beat out Spade...I mean he's gotta have something to brag about other than a stroke.

Bob Saget: 2/10 Immediately extorted for the child abuse allegations in early 90s . His spindly-substitute-teacher appearance & lovely demeanor? Not good. Would have no money for lunch. Would somehow still have his lunch money stolen. Best shot is to go with his raunchy onstage persona. Might get by as a novel jester type.

Brad Williams: 6/10 No one would mistreat him based on his size. Well, no more than he does himself. Typical ball busting, but no victimization. He would have a ton of friends. They'd try to medicate him for hyperactivity. Don't do it Brad. Be you!

Brendan Schaub: 10/10 250+ brown lbs of attractive, yet charmingly hilarious, gladiator man meat? I want to hate him so much but I can't. He would do better than fine in here. Disciplined, charming, funny...Jesus get a room already.

Brett Gelman: 5/10 Willing, maybe unable, to act nutty enough to be left alone. But still intelligent & intuitive enough to know when to turn it on & off. Maybe a few altercations initially, but would find a groove and mine exp for material.

Brian Redban: 6-7/10 (based on Redban before I got locked up in ’13) Willing enough to buck the system. He'd fit in. Probably find himself in a few altercations from his chosen crowd. Occasional infractions & restrictions. He'd def survive. We'd hang.

Brian “Q” Quinn: 6/10 Years spent in NYFD, figuring out what NOT to do or say in hyper-masculine culture, would come in handy. Size & accent would help him settle towards the middle of the pack. Ability to read room would keep him out of most trouble. Prison has surprising # of comic book nerds you'd never suspect. Find ur tribe.

Brody Stevens: 5/10 Crazy enough to be left alone. Come to think of it, there are quite a few inmates on a similar frequency to Brody. Would be another bug, just funnier than the rest. They'd try to medicate him. He could cheek ‘em to trade for honey buns. RIP 

Bryan Callen: 9/10 Through affiliation with Rogan alone his score increases. In-shape. Knows himself. Intelligent. Voracious reader. Charismatic. Disciplined. Callen would do fine, create a routine, and be productive with his time.

Carlos Mencia: 7/10 He'd be OK. Pretending to be Mexican would help. Everyone would know he's in for stealing, not child molestation. There are actually quite a few guys like Mencia in here, only funny. Would click up with the Latinos and be fine.

Carrot Top: 6/10 Floridian, natural rage of a redhead, in shape. All positives. Corny as hell, uber thin eyebrows, and tie-dye belly shirts. All negatives. He'd make it, but not with the popular kids.

Charlie Murphy: 8/10 He would shoot right up the hierarchy. His only problem, keeping him from 10/10, would be dealing with the idiots here. A younger Charlie Murphy fuck a lot of people up. He'd end up in higher level prisons. He would run shit though.

Chris D'Elia: 6/10 See Russell Brand, minus the British stuff. 

Chris Franjola: 5/10 Likely spend his 1st few weeks dropping Megan Markle’s name, just with less success than on Lights Out. If he slowed down on the royal talk they'd assume he'd been down for 20yrs and he'd ring the elbow room to future it out.

Chris Gethard: 1/10 His entire being is ill suited for this place. PC is a good place for Chris. His nickname, as well as general advice, would definitely be Get-Hard. I miss his show on Tru TV. A punk rock type of comedy. Two of my favorite things.

Chris Hardwick: 2/10 OK, this is no surprise here. It'd be a tough go for the “Nerdist" @nerdist “What!?..." Go ahead tell me how wrong I am and how great he'd do. He could have a locker full of honeybuns if he worked half as hard in here as he does out there.

Chris Rock: 7/10 Chris might get a little bugged out. With a long enough sentence, it happens to the best of us. He's smart enough to know how to move, and naturally funny enough to move between groups. His body in here, his mind would be in the world.

Christopher Titus: 8/10 Wouldn't be out of place; Blue collar. Drunk dad. Brothers. Taken & given punches. Charismatic. Energetic. Positive. He'd be fine. Thrive even. Strict routine: writing, exercise, support system, and well-chosen friends.

Colin Jost: 2/10 I think this is my unbiased score, but it could also be a passive aggressive hatred because he's dating Scar-Jo. He'd have to show edge, I'm not sure he has, to counterbalance his uber white privilege. Or show up with Michael Shae.

Colin Quinn: 9/10 Been around the block. Gritty east coast comic. Coming up in that region & era, comfortable around slightly aggressive shit talking men, he'd be fine. Attitude & demeanor alone would carry him. #BringBackToughCrowd

Conan O’Brien: 5/10 6'4. Doesn't hurt. Extra calories, a little weight pit, and he'd be fine on stature alone. Well, that mixed with his congenial nature and ability to deal with people. Interviews with inmates in the day room to kill time.

Dana Carvey: 1/10 Nope...Right to PC. I love him but Garth has no place in prison.

Dane Cook: 6/10 Would get caught stealing, of course, and beaten into one of his twisted onstage contortions. Truthfully he'd be alright. Run of the mill. There are guys like him in here, but funnier.

Daniel Tosh: 5/10  Would spend a lot of time trying to convince inmates he's not actually gay. Minimally successful. Would he fight? Somewhat coordinated, but doubt it. Raised around Florida insanity may help. Wildcard.

Dave Attell: 6/10 I'm a broken record at this point, but appearance is 9/10ths of the law. Dave's perpetual 5-o'clock hobo shadow mixed with a set of shitty state blues would have the same effect as a opossum playing dead. Not worth the effort. under radar.

Dave Chappell: 8/10 Melanin makes prison life easier. It just does. Plus he's Muslim. His caliber of humor is so perfectly suited to win people over in here. Many friends. Physically fine. I would just worry about his spirit. Dark introspective nights of the soul.

David Cross: 2/10 Once 1 of my favs, stories from other comedians, let me know his irresponsible sense of superiority would be a problem; his general appearance...and voice as well. I love his comedy but being generally cunty will generally come back to bite u.

David Spade: 3/10 I love Spade. He could sit at my table anytime. But he's small and not exactly a typical alpha male. He's smart and intuitive enough to figure out the benefits of paying someone to look out for him. I'd do it for free.

Demetri Martin: 5/10 I know someone similar to Demitri. Been down since 17. Brilliant, slightly anti social, but not afraid to spout opinions. Helped his buddy, who cut a dealer's head off with a paring knife, get rid of the body. He does fine in here. 

Denis Leary: 7/10 Attitude & appearance; he would blend in. His cantankerous demeanor would lead to a few physical altercations, but he'd be alright. A short sentence would be good fodder for material. He'd change his tough New Yorkers bit to tough inmates.

Dennis Miller: 5/10 He'd find his rightwing crowd in here, but soon lose them when his obscure references made them feel stupid. Indignation quickly turns to anger. And anger turns to deterioration. He'd survive physically. Not so sure about mentally.

Doug Stanhope: 6/10 The fact he doesn't naturally look affluent or threatening, mixed with his lack-of-fucks, would put him in the "he's not worth it" category long enough to align with the right people. And, if he had to, he'd fight. He could definitely sit at my table.

Dov Davidoff: 7/10 Let's be honest, Dov already kinda looks like an inmate. Would fit in. No problem finding a crew. A gang might even try to recruit him. Seriously. Latin Counts, or Kings, Maybe Insane Spanish Cobras. All real gangs. Don't do it Dov.

Duncan Trussell: 3/10 I'd hope he'd meet the one, gang-related, heavily-tattooed, half-Asian, comedy & DTFH fan in the system. But unless he landed in 9 block with me it may be a tough go. Definitely Survivable. Quality of life concern.

Eddie Murphy: 7/10 He'd make a killer impression and then disappear into his cell for 30 yrs leaving everybody wanting more. In prison there is no where to escape. His self segregation would come off as superiority. This place could get on top of him over time.

Gallagher: 2/10 He smash someone's TV, make some racist conspiratorial comments, and go straight to PC. Then his weird brother would step in and do the rest of his sentence... but it wouldn't be the same.

George Lopez: 8/10 Right in with HASTA (official institution approved Hispanic org). Probably hold a position. Would mentor young dummies and stay relatively out of trouble. Unless the Latinos went to war, and he had to take part.

George Carlin: 6/10 Cantankerous enough to be left relatively alone (if he didn't have a lot of $ or property.) His problem would be with the institution. You can go to war with them 4ever and never win. Honorable endeavors. Tough Bid.

Greg Giraldo: 6/10 New Yorker. Regular on Tough Crowd. No pushover. Intelligent. Could figure out & exploit the culture. Would fight if had to. It means a lot. Like in life, dope would be his biggest risk. Prison would either kill him or save his life.

Hannibal Buress: 8/10 Would be fine. Cosby, praying he doesn't touch down at the same joint. Could interact with many groups but ultimately sit back and observe, working on material. All of these comedians would have great material. 

Harris Whittles: 6/10 Young & socially intelligent enough to figure out his place. Dope would be his biggest struggle. Prison might've saved his life. Did for me. Could've sat at my table ANYTIME. I'd look past his love for Phish and we'd be inseparable. RIP

Harvey Weinstein: 1/10 What we call a good thing. Has $ with no ability to keep people from taking it. Instantly demoted from predator to victim. Would get assaulted for walking the yard with an open robe. Should head to PC. Has 23 yrs to figure it out.

Jay Leno: 2/10 Devastated to find out they don't issue denim outfits in prison. Would probably give his TV to a guy who really deserved it only to steal it back a few months later. The guy's an asshole. Off with his chin! Protective Custody. 

Jay Oakerson: 7/10 His size, brutal honesty, and general demeanor would aid him in his bid. He'd probably be charged restitution for repeatedly cutting the first gears off of his state-issued winter gloves. There are guys like him in here.

Jeff Ross: 7/10 Again, east coast comic. His roasts in county jails showed me he's comfortable around convicts. So important. He'd find his groove and make the right friends, probably more than he'd need, and he'd be fine.

Jerry Seinfeld: 1/10 Fish out of water. 1st sign of aggression Jerry heads to Protective Custody to live out his days in relative safety. Over analyzing the pros & cons of a face tattoo with his disinterested bunky.

Jim Gaffigan: 4/10 His greatest asset: his size. Any square, middle-aged, well-fed, pasty white guy is under suspicion for being a sex offender. Whether it's true or not is hardly important. People just assume. They also assume financial stability. Trouble.

Jim Jefferies: 7/10 Would score higher but I've seen vid of heckler rushing the stage. Not unfamiliar with certain levels of criminality. White powder. Not small or frail. Socially intelligent. Would find his place. Pissed off enough to keep predators at bay.

Jim Norton: 2/10 So self-deprecating and a genuine sweetheart that, unless he's looking to become a front-facing human belt buckle for a larger, more violent (meaning any) inmate, should head to PC. My copy of Happy Endings is the closest he should get to.

Jimmy Pardo: 5/10 Like Aziz, lil Jimmy Pardo is small enough to fall under the acceptable squeeze limit. Even convicts have limits. C'mon the guy is Never Not Funny.

Jo Koy: 7/10 Many Asians default towards urban/hip hop culture which makes it easier to fit into prison. Settle down, I'm half asian! He'd have to grow out his facial hair. Possible gang recruitment. Read social situations. Would actually fit in well.

Joe Gatto: 6/10 Unflappable confidence would carry the day. NYC accent reads well in here—better than a Tennessee lilt. His willingness to look ridiculous for a laugh is endearing but also shows he's no threat. Well known and generally liked. May have to change the hair. They took the Aqua Net out of the commissary years ago. 

Joe List: See Chris Hardwick (with glasses)

Joe Machi: 4/10 Machi is so peculiar it would ward off many predators...but not all. Most inmates would keep their distance if his actual personality is like his stage persona.

Joe Rogan: 10/10 Visually & physically, multiple black belts, son of an Irish cop from Boston, Joe is no one's 1st choice for a victim. In addition to strength & confidence, he's respectful, intuitive & disciplined. Cakewalk. Perfect score.

Joel McHale: 9/10 Formidable size. Disciplined. Charismatic. Intelligent. Only problem: his super clean-cut whiteness. Nothin a few days of stubble couldn't solve. With a serious weight pit routine he'd bulk up—am I sexually attracted to the guy from The Soup?

Joey Diaz: 9/10 This is pointless. Joey Coco Diaz has already done time, in Colorado, if I’m not mistaken. He’s already alumni. And I'm sure he was on top of shit out there. Respect my brother!

John Belushi: 8/10 Magnetic. Fun. Boisterous. Brash attitude alone, annoyingly, goes a long way. Animal kingdom. Substance abuse and insolence tickets. He'd do better than fine with inmates. Tending to demons would be his struggle.

Jon Glaser: 3/10 Says he's from Detroit. Might help him being in MDOC. Still, his size and appearance would attract predators. I see him breaking bread rather than fleeing to PC. Since "JON GLASER LOVES GEAR" maybe he'd find an incredibly effective shank.

Jon Stewart: 5/10 Out of his social element, his emotional and social intelligence would carry him. His general well-to-do appearance might cause a problem at some point. But he'd definitely figure it all out, and befriend people who would compliment weaknesses.

Josh Johnson: 3/10 Would be super out of place, well other than the whole complexion thing. Not many black dudes like Josh in here. Or dudes of any color. I wish there was though. He could sit at my table.

Judah Friedlander: 4/10 He's already in here. He locks three doors down from me. As long as he has his coffee he's alright. I've never seen him shower.

Judd Apatow: 5/10 Would manage to fly under the radar, for the most part. Maybe one or two minor alterations. Drawing a line in the sand and standing firm goes a long way to being left alone. Would create masterpieces in here.

Keith Robinson: 7/10 Melanin. East Coast comic. Tough Crowd alum. Could eventually get into some shit for talking shit. But I figure he'd fight and then be able to politic it out. Keith Robinson update: 8/10 Stroke brings him up a point. Milking a "disability" would give Keith so much more leeway with his shit talking. I love Keith. Tough Crowd Alumni.

Kevin Hart: 9/10 His melanin would balance out his height. He is a hilarious people person who would have a ton of friends. That can be draining in here. Disciplined and driven, prison would be his lab. He would ultimately come out good, with a better perspective.

Kyle Kinane: 6/10 Looks the part. Raspy voice would help cover story as a drug user or grizzled biker. Would soon discover the terrible and surprisingly strong affects of spud juice and become a begrudging drunk Substance abuse infractions. Denied 1st parole.

Larry David: 4/10 I almost went 2/10, but I could picture LD finding the most powerful and respected goon and lining his pockets. Which he'd undoubtedly fuck up and have to pay more. Having to clean up for LD would be the toughest $ the goon would ever earn.

Lenny Bruce: 7/10 Guys from that era are inherently tougher than your average millennial. Prison has a way of breaking rebellion in some. Not in Lenny. He'd be loved by inmates, hated by the administration.

Louie Anderson: 4/10 His voice alone would be trouble. Initially thought 1/10, but his wit, intelligence, & natural warmth may make him more successful than you might think. A confident word-smith who can blend biting insults with playful humor can be left alone with a few strategic jabs. Could also lead to death. I suspect he'd figure it out.

Louis CK: 7/10 Large in stature. Redhead. Not a predator’s first choice. Boston comic. Thick skin. Smart. Would figure out the culture. Hardworking. Brilliant. Devastatingly hilarious. Would find friends, a rhythm, create art, & get fat on shitty commissary food. Can’t pull out his dick like he used to, though. Read the room.

Marc Maron: 1/10 Come on—I love you—but you know what it is. The 9th degree black belt in passive aggression wouldn't go over too well in here. The facial hair would help... but not enough to block a fist. In PC he could write Attempting Normal 2. I'd buy it.

Mark Normand: 5/10 I'd tuck him under the ol' wing and show him the ropes. Perfect example of someone who'd probably have to fight, or at least be willing to, just once or twice to be left alone. Then he could do what he wanted. Mine prison for material.

Matteo Lane: 5/10 Prison life is tough for openly gay men. But he's confident & in shape enough not to worry about being targeted. Just immature homophobia & unwanted advances. He'd find his click and develop even thicker skin.

Matthew Broussard: 2/10 see Anthony Jeselnik. Jeselnik with less edge. Which might actually be better in here.

Michael Kosta: 5/10 Detroit status (if verifiable) may help in MI. Name dropping Trevor Noah for "urban" street cred would lead to him spending most of his days explaining who Trevor Noah is. Outspoken enough—add some shady facial hair—he’d be OK.

Michael Richards (Kramer): 1/10 At the first sign of distress he's standing on a trashcan in his underwear on a tirade laced with N-bombs. Straight to protective custody. Not without a few welts.

Michael Che: 9/10 (Colin Jost’s only hope of surviving prison.) He'd be fine. Demeanor, IQ, appearance, respect; all beneficial to smooth living in the joint.

Mike Birbiglia: 3/10 Look Mike, I love you, but there's this whole pandemic going on....just be happy you made the list. I'll elaborate on the score when, and if, I make it out the other end.

Mike Cannon: ?/? Need to see more material. Get on another episode of This Week At The Comedy Cellar. Or come to prison so I can see your set. #Goals.

Mike DeStefano: 7/10 After adjustment period, he'd be fine. Looks broish enough not to get pressed. Funny and comfortable enough to fit in. You'd be surprised what can become normal.

Mike Vecchione: 8/10 Brash New Yorker. Stout Italian. Would be fine. Frequent weight pit action. Wow this analysis is getting pretty racist. The greasy bastard would live off red sauce, olive oil, and extorting his fellow inmates. That's better.

Mitch Hedberg: 7/10 Mitch would get caught up in his addiction. Addicts can survive anywhere; But unlike the other junkies, doing nothing but trying to shake the next bag, he would be crafting material. Fortunately the shit that kills you isn't in here anymore.

Moshe Kasher: 5/10 From Oakland. Knowledge of black culture might help, but not as much as you'd hope. Could name drop though. Believe he would fight if had to. And looking so dandy, he would.

Murr (James Murray): 1/10 The fact that he's the punching bag of THAT friend group, does not bode well for this incarcerated ferret. His misplaced confidence, in both his social skills and ability to read people & situations, would lead to countless prison faux-pas requiring intervention on his behalf. Like the real world, being his friend would be taxing.

Natasha Leggero: (?) Can't give score. No credible knowledge of women's prisons. But I think her high maintenance persona would cause her trouble. Her looks would help though. She'd have to find, lead on, & manipulate a butch veteran, to live a "charmed" life.

Neal Brennan: 5/10 Connection to Chappelle would mean less in prison than in Hollywood. Maybe the same. Intelligent, self aware, and genuine; Neil would befriend the right people and, by association, he'd be fine. Use his time to write, write, write.

Nick Dipalo: 8/10 Again, gritty east coast comic from Quinn's school of Tough Crowd . Thick skin. Quick witted. Adept at shit talking. His right leaning shit would cause minor altercations. Nothing he couldn't handle.

Nick Kroll: 7/10 Like Gervais, Kroll could play the necessary roll long enough to get his feet under him and realize that most of these "predators" in here are cowards who, if you just tell them to fuck off, or portray you b a tough target, you'll be fine.

Nick Swardson: 5/10 Would find his group. Likely be one of the guys constantly drinking spud juice. Vision goes, a few fights, substance abuse tickets. Would probably let this place get on top on him. Better this place than an inmate. Rim shot. I hate myself.

Nikki Glaser I have no credibility here but women comics are amazing: 8/10 Not small. Pretty. Genuine. Naturally hilarious. Would be loved by the ladies. Biggest issue would be deciding to stay lipstick or go full Butch. And keeping those eagle claws covered.

Norm MacDonald 6/10 Appearance & demeanor not helpful. His give-a-fuck-less attitude and something's-off behavior would; as far as keeping people at a distance. Would have one or two close friends. Other than that would be solitary.

Patrice O'Neil: 10/10 Massive black dude. Helps. Devastatingly intelligent, socially & emotionally. Charismatic. Amazing at the prison sport of talking shit. Hygienic. Intuitive. Insightful. Would thrive. Did time when he was young. Cakewalk. RIP

Patton Oswalt: 2-3/10 Struggled with this one. Would be seen as potential victim. Just don't know how Patton would respond. PC or tossing a tough guy a few bucks to be left alone? If he stayed in general pop, he'd find a few with similar interests (comic books).

Paul Rodriguez: 8/10 See George Lopez…

Pete Davidson: 6/10 Fatherless, tattooed, mental health issues. Would fit right in. Would say he banged Kate Beckinsale. No one would believe him. Understandable. Would say he banged Ariana Grande. Pushing the envelope. Oh, so he thinks we’re stupid? Could be a problem. 

Pete Holmes: 2/10 The absolute worst place for someone like Pete. Too chipper, outgoing, talkative, trusting, naive, pasty...I've seen 1st hand what happens to genuinely nice guys like Pete. Even his size wouldn't help The sooner he heads to PC the better.

Pete Lee: 2/10 Everyone would assume he was gay, and in this childish, insecure, homophobic place he'd be shunned. Even if he said he wasn't. The social Darwinism in here is fucked up. Nice guys, who look like nice guys, usually do finish last. It's stupid.

Phil Hendrie : 7/10 Big enough & outspoken, with the ability to seamlessly switch between characters to best fit the situation. He's no victim. He'd have to work to keep his genius from devolving into insanity. Maybe leave Jay Santos at the door.

Ralphie May: 6/10 Size would draw attention. Too big to be an easy victim. Too big to have as a bunkie. Cell shrinks. Problems arise. Stock for Access, the company that provides commissary, soars. All in all, he'd be alright. 

Redd Foxx: 6/10 Could see him as a semi racist Mo-Byte (sect of prison Islam). Regardless, he wouldn't be a victim but he'd stir up enough shit to get into fights—which he'd clearly lose, then call on his bros for reinforcement.

Richard Pryor: 2/10 Appetites too large for prison. Problems inevitably arise. Tailspin. At some point he'd have to sooth parties injured by his excess. Blood or money. I think he'd opt to give coin over plasma—until he couldn't. PC is calling.

Richard Lewis: 1/10 Right to protective custody with Woody Allen. #ComediansInPrison

Ricky Gervais: 7/10 Ricky is a good enough of a character actor that he could totally pull off the British tough guy long enough, and well enough, for him to perfect how to move in here.

Robert Kelley: 6/10 Wouldn't be an outright victim, but would likely find himself in a situation at some point. Probably for food related loans. A younger Bob would also likely be recruited by a gang. New York road comic exp would carry him.

Rodney Dangerfield: 6/10 If they learned of his FBI bust back in the day and how he finagled his way out of charges, they'd assume he ratted. Dirt on his name. Anger & questionable character. He'd have superficial friends. They'd talk shit & never have his back.

Russell Brand: 6/10 Never met a British subject here in a 'Merican prison. His size would help. I'm just guessing here but the accent might read, to the brain dead jackals, as gay. Definitely with the long hair. Charming and unfunny enough to make friends.

Russell Peters: 7/10 Many would assume he's Mexican. No pushover. Smart. Not small. Discipline. Hardworking. Generous. Brown. He'd be able to find a groove, his clique, and use his time productively.

Sal Vulcano: (3/10) Size & ambig ethnicity would help. His hygienic OCD not uncommon in here. Would help with bunkies, but be offset by his perpetual frustration disdain & inability to hide it. Leads to confrontation. Backs down. Marked as pussy. Pussies not as popular in the joint as you'd think. Would survive but HATE every minute of it. 

Sam Kinnison: 8/10 You could drop Sam anywhere, and he'd find his way to the top, socially. He'd be the prison pastor or the head of a gang in a few years. His intentions and appetites alone keep him from a perfect score. He could easily get into trouble in here.

Sam Morril: 7/10 Ambiguously ethnic. Dark features. Perpetual 7-o'clock shadow. Fellow inmates would assume he was mugging tourists in lower east side alleys for dope money. Look the part. The rest follows. Assuming your not a total fuck up. He'd do fine.

Sam Tallent: 6/10 Size would be a deterrent to predators. Style of glasses & facial hair, not so much. The line between hipster & kid toucher, much thinner in prison. His smarts & a strategic face tat would give him the room to craft another literary masterpiece.

Sarah Silverman: 10/10 Knowing nothing about female prisons, Sarah's the only female comedian I'm comfortable rating. She can do no wrong. Anywhere. She's genuinely compassionate & intelligent, and she's not exactly small enough to be pushed around. Perfect.

Steve Martin: 4/10 This ones thought. He's so clean cut, and white, looking. If he could whether the initial storm he could settle into a groove. Smart enough not to bring on problems If the joint had a music program(maybe 2/3 do), he'd have purpose.

Steven Wright: 3/10 They'd assume him a sex offender—as I do now. Just weird enough to be forcibly removed from the radar. If it got too tough he could find a bungee cord and hang himself...He'd keep from almost dying. I am a HACK.

Theo Von: 6/10 His lower class upbringing puts him in the prison wheelhouse. Read people and situations enough to know how to move. Introspective enough to grow, or maybe go nuts. This whole score is based on mullet-sporting Theo Von

Tig Notaro: ?/? I could see Tigg being a sarcastic den mother, mentoring wayward women.

Todd Barry: 3/10 I love Todd but it'd be rough. Appearance would draw attention. Demeanor would make it worse. Super dry sarcastic shit wouldn't go over. Though they might not know exactly what he was saying, they'd know they'd been insulted. Beatings Extortion.

Todd Glass: 7/10 He'd do fine, but not 4 the reason you think. Prison can tough for gay men. But Todd isn't a push over or easily pegged(poor choice of words). He could fly under the radar or just be guarded with the info. We all keep shit to ourselves in here.

Tom Segura: 7/10 His Spanish would help. My fellow Floridian has the underlying insanity, inherent of our state, ready to be unleashed. Not a small man. Could grow out beard & pass for a grizzled biker. Would fight if had to. Could sit at my table.

Tony Rock: 8/10 A more popular inmate would pave the way for him on the yard, making his bid a lot easier than it would've otherwise been. He would fit right in. That's not racist. It's a compliment. Kinda. He's hilarious. He'd be fine.

Trevor Noah: 9/10 Nickname would be British Obama. They're not exactly creative in here, or geographically knowledgeable. Youth, ethnicity, ability to read people, and charisma would allow him his own lane to be productive. I'll see you on the Daily Show 2025!

Will Sasso: 10/10 No one is pushing around Sasso. Don't believe me? Look at his calves. His size would allow his upbeat and positive attitude to flourish unchecked. The taffy & fudge guys would love him for putting their illegitimate kids through college.

Woody Allen: 2/10 Annie Hall monologue to a non existing camera justifying his trip to protective custody—the safest place for him. Plus the Soon Yi things wouldn't go over as well here as it did in Hollywood.

I have to give credit to my homie Torro, whose nickname before prison was Pollo, a nine-fingered Mexican mechanic who voted for Trump. Not kidding. He's the only other comedy fan I could confer with at this joint when making this list. And even though he's a recovering conservative, and somehow went from a chicken to a bull, he's my homie and workout partner. There you go long haired, self-hating, Mexican...You're fucking famous now. (He thinks I'm famous because I know a few comedians and have a website.)

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Bobby Caldwell-Kim23 Comments